Thursday 28 May 2009

Diversity Curtains, and Other Stories

So, the shopping is going extremely well.

So far we have managed to buy:
Two bags of cotton wool balls
A baby activity book with jingles and tags
A top and tail bowl
That's it.
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It's not for lack of trying, I swear. But we're kind of hampered by not knowing how many there are going to be, what size they will be, what gender they will be, oh, and also some chronic indecisiveness. We went out on Monday afternoon (which was a bank holiday) to get the process started and did nothing except make giant fools of ourselves and seriously confuse some shop assistants. We wanted to suss out the double pushchairs (because, as it turns out, a good double pushchair is hard to find) but for some reason neither J nor I felt comfortable spilling our entire life story to the pram lady, so we didn't really explain what we were looking for.
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We looked at some of those snazzy three wheelers designed for hyperorganised hyperfertile people that have a 'doubles kit' - so that you can buy a single pushchair for baby #1, but then add an extra seat below or above the first one when baby #2 comes along before #1 is walking. But the second seat is really tiny, and after looking at one of those I said hmmm, this is really for a baby and a toddler, isn't it, not two children the same size? The pram lady said yes, you're right, are you looking for something to fit two toddlers the same size? I said No. Not toddlers. But not newborns. Older babies. Two older babies. Maybe six months. Or eight months. Or eleven months. Or not.
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To her credit, the pram lady didn't flinch. A small cloud of confusion passed in front of her face, but she didn't actually say what in the world are you TALKING about even though she was clearly thinking it. She also didn't say: you're CLEARLY NOT EVEN PREGNANT why are you asking me about twin pushchairs you bizarre fantasist? for which I am truly grateful.
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Instead: Well, she answered, for two.... (pause)
me: older babies
her: ...older babies, I recommend this model here, which has a blah and a blah blah.
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Now it turns out that her recommendation was a spectacularly bad pushchair - one of those giant contraptions that doesn't really fold down, just gets disassembled into its megalithic individual components, one of which seemed large enough to double as a climbing frame when not in use for transportation. But at least she was nice enough, even if we couldn't quite find a way to say: hello there, we need to buy a pushchair, and can we look at the double, please? We are hoping to adopt twin babies from Ethiopia.
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I don't really know why I find that so hard to say. I am absolutely and in no way ashamed of our story. I only know that on the few (very few) times I have said that to a shop-assitant type stranger, it's accompanied by my rictus grin face, my 'yes that is exciting but no I don't want to answer a lot of questions about it' face. Because I've come to realise that, to most people, our situation is a novelty situation. An interesting story. Which is natural enough, I guess, because I suppose it is unusual. But it's not an interesting story to me, dangit, it's my LIFE. The only one I've got. And these are my real babies that I'm looking forward to, not my novelty babies, and having to answer a whole load of questions about this WEIRD thing we're doing, however well intentioned, just makes me feel even more like a freak than I already did.
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And speaking of freakish, the social workers and their crazy ways have really gotten to us. One thing that goes over really well in the alarmingly in depth homestudy process here is if the physical house (furniture, decor etc) is obviously a place where many cultures are valued. Which is good, obviously, but the only two cultures getting a look in at our house tend to be the ancient civilisations of dust and cat hair, and we scored pretty low on that one. So, straight after the pushchair debacle, we were looking at curtain fabric for the baby room and came across fabric that was called something like 'people from across the globe'. It had a person next to the Eiffel tower, someone in a kimono, a big red london bus... you get the picture. And for a moment, with unspoken understanding, we actually considered decorating our child's room with curtains made from this fabric, purely to impress social services. We didn't even like it, and I doubt our child would, but I think we have now been officially brainwashed.
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Gah. Anyway, it seems like it's not going to matter for a while whether our baby room has diversity curtains, or indeed any other type of curtains. It seems that the Department for messing me around is as inefficient as ever, and yesterday they gave me an estimate of NINE WEEKS to send our papers to country. I phoned and reminded them that they promised us priority processing at this point after they messed up so hugely last time, and they've now said okay then, five weeks. Which means DTE late June / early July. And while I know, I know we would have only the tiniest tiniest chance of making it through court before closures, even if the dossier went today, I hadn't realised that I had that slim sliver of hope left until it was taken away from me (a couple last week were given a court date of June TWELVE, which is freakishly quick and fanned my little tiny hope-flame. But that now seems irrelevant).
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So anyway, I'm now tearful (again!) and extremely crabby, which is about as attractive a combination as you might imagine. I'm finding it so hard to really, really trust God with this sequence of delays. Okay, not hard, impossible. I find myself feeling really angry about it, which I know is not the right response. While I hate what's happening, I also really hate how much it reveals the dark underside of my own sinful self - the bit of me that can only imagine being happy if I get my own way, in my own time. And I've found out that delay after delay doesn't necessarily teach patience, if I don't have a teachable heart. I just keep wishing I knew WHY all this was happening - and I have to remember that I do, or at least part of it. Romans 5: 3 says:
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3 ... we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4perseverance, character; and character, hope.
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And of course, it's not talking about just hoping for a baby, or for my life to turn out okay, but something much more real than that:
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5And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us. 6You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. 7Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. 8But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.
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I've got to get my priorities straight.
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I've also got to find some better curtain fabric.

14 comments:

  1. Oy. Be nice to yourself. The delays are ridiculous and you have every right to resent them. Go ahead, feel the resentment, but don't let it own you. You're better than that.

    Am trying to think of a way you could give a tiny bit of info to ppl like SAs without spilling your guts. Maybe a cheerful intro like, "To make a long story short, we're adopting and it may possibly be twins. We won't bore you with the details, but here's what we need..." Kind of head them off at the pass, as it were.

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  2. Wow! Great advice from StyleSpy! I like the, "we won't bore you with the details" aspect of it!

    In theory, we should all be graceful about handling disappointments. In practice, few of us our. We are human- it's part of our charm! Hang in there, but cry your eyes out if you feel like it. Who ever said crying doesn't help anything has obviously never cried! I am sending you cyber hugs!

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  3. When you find some nice curtain fabric, let me know... as we're also in need of fabric!

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  4. LOL! That's something only an adoptive parent would understand! I got the wierdest look when I went to register.

    I told the lady I was choosing items for my baby shower and she simply said, "you're getting quite a jump start on things". At which point I was so tired of explaining my business to strangers so I just said, "nope- he'll be here in 6 weeks". She probably thought I was crazy!

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  5. we have the EXACT same problem. We are approved for up to 2 children under the age of 2yrs. So we can't shop either! We've bought a rug and a rocking chair and a bunch of vintage toys. But not one thing that the child/ren actually need to survive--dishes, clothes, beds... I kinda love to shock the sales people--serves them right for being narrow minded. On another note...I saw pictures of Julie and Steven's kids last night and now I get it. I GET the wait. :-)

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  6. Before I met my Little Bit I called the schools and asked about registering a child for next year.
    Her: How old is he?
    Me: Mmm, not sure
    Her: What grade will he be in?
    Me: Mmm, not sure.
    Her: Well, what grade has he completed?
    Me: Mmm, probably none.
    Her: Probably??
    Me: Yes.
    Her: Completely baffled silence.

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  7. Happy Yes-iversary to you too! To think...after all this waiting it will lead to our beautiful children. I can't believe your blog did not fall under my "they keep me sane" blog roll...geez! Who's been messin wit my stuff? :) I'm changing it right now b/c, girlfriend you DO help me keep my sanity. Thank you for that!

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  8. You know how much I hate cyber hugs, but in this case I think I might make an exception ;) The heart struggle is always the hardest in any hard situation ... I think being able to see that is at least something, even when you know you have work to do in that area. Hang in there. Pray about it... God is good and he WILL help :)

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  9. Oh and that fabric sounded puke worthy. Glad you saw sense!

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  10. Don't be so hard on yourself. I don't think it's wrong to just want something to go smoothly or as planned...there doesn't always have be a huge lesson in it. Like StyleSpy said, don't let it own you and you'll be fine.

    Those were some pretty funny stories of shopping, and those curtains sounded hideous!

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  11. Ok, your shopping story cracked me up... not knowing who your kids will be or when they will arrive does make shopping difficult, among other things. One time someone at a party asked me if I had any kids. It was after I had my referral, but before court & travel... my answer was, "Yes. Well, sort of. Not yet I guess." And then watched the nice man back... away... slowly.

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  12. I was thinking about this post again today... mainly because I was wondering if framing a picture of my brother in a kimono counted as "diverse art"... tee hee.

    And because I keep on getting Norman Rockwell's from my in-laws and have no way to tell them "give me more diverse art, please!"

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  13. I just popped in and found your post very compelling.
    This is kind of a bizarre thing to say BUT... waiting/pain/struggle/frustration...all of these things are gifts in disguise. no, really!! As a parent you will be sooo much stronger having experienced this kind of sacrifice and hardship for your children. I know at this point it is beyond hard to imagine how these pains might be a good thing, but trust me (the weird person you don't know...lol) struggle makes a stronger parent and THAT is the most important part of the whole deal. just like you were saying about this being your REAL baby not your novel baby. Real parenthood has it hard as hell moments where you question everything that you ever thought to be true, where you feel like God has forgotten about you or is somehow punishing you for some wrong you did as a child (or some such bizarre thing...except that God is a loving God...but sometimes we forget this:)) and then comes Grace...like a healing balm. The Light at the end of the tunnel.

    Keep strong mama...you will make it through this. And when you get to the other side the pain of waiting will be over and it will all fade away in the light of your beautiful children's eyes!

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  14. Claudia
    Thanks for your comment on my blog. I think people thought because of the subject post and my saying my ideas had changed meant that I was really struggling. Personally, I'm not really struggling with faith. I beleive in an ultimately loving God. I just don't think God micromanages things...I think he has bigger things to deal with. I don't get people who think of the prayer-answer-vending machine concept either--yet I have heard this countless times! If I just prayed harder/had more faith then things would work. Geez. I find it insulting because no one knows my heart. But I digress.
    At any rate, thanks for the comment.

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Over to you!